Reflections

I was getting Chance's wheelchair out of the trunk of the car the other day and it got stuck. And without thinking, I said out loud my thoughts, "Having a handicapped child sucks" I couldn't take it back, it was out there for all to hear. Fortunately for me, it was only my Mom within earshot. Still, I've thought a lot about those words in the last few days since I've said them. I'm sure I've thought them before...it's only natural, yet to this day I can't remember ever having said them out loud. So why did I do it that day? There are a ton of reasons actually. Geof's grandmother had just passed away the day before, I was sorry and sad about it. I hadn't seen the boys very much so I took them shopping but it was a longer day than I had expected it to be and I was tired and stressed. Since Chance's surgery, he has to be carried everywhere or lifted into his chair and my back was aching from doing it so much...the list really did and still does go on and on. But I have never voiced my complaint against having a child who has special needs. And I will never do it again. It made me feel horrible. I love Chance with all my heart. I wouldn't trade him or "fix" him even if I were given the option to do so. He has made my life richer, made me love deeper and made me stronger than I thought I could be. Not just in my body, but in my mind and in my heart. His handicap is a part of me. It has helped shape me into the person I am today. I fight for him. With teachers, with doctors and with other people. He looks differently than you and I, he has Asperger's and it gives him a few "quirks" that may have others staring and wondering what the heck he's doing. He gets lost in his own world and sometimes, he just doesn't care about what is going on around him. I never feel sorry for him, but I feel bad when he feels bad and sometimes I cry when he has had a rough day or I feel overwhelmed.  I try my hardest to treat him as normal as possible.  To teach him that just because he has special needs, he has to learn that the world won't bend to help him out. He has to be strong and tough and I know that I've succeeded in this. I often feel like I take advantage of Isaac and his eagerness to help me out. He is a blessing to me and I'm sure I don't tell him how much I appreciate him. I feel like he doesn't always get the attention he deserves and I'm so sorry for that. I love him so very much. He is a part of me...he is my mini me. Life is better because he is in the world...not just the world, my world.

I'm writing all of this because I feel like we don't always thank God for the things in our lives that we ought to. Life is tough, but rest assured that it is tougher on some than others. Remember as you lay your head on your nice warm pillow tonight to thank God for the good things that you have. Someone tonight is struggling with the loss of a loved one, remember to thank God for those in your life. When your child gets out of the car on their own, without relying on you to carry them, thank God for that. When you are able to go out to eat or don't have to go to bed hungry, thank God for the money and provisions that He has provided. There is always something to be grateful for, if you only open your eyes to see them. Start with the big things and watch how quickly the little things add up. Kiss your children every night. Tell your kids, spouses, parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters...anyone that you have in your life, that you appreciate them and that you love them.  I am blessed beyond measure. My cup runneth over. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Moving and everything that comes with it.

I've been extremely busy lately and to be quite honest, I wouldn't trust myself to sit and write with the frame of mind that I've been in. Moving is difficult. Even when it's a move that you want to do and something that you've prayed and prayed for, it is still stressful! Trying to line things up when you're over 500 miles away is almost impossible! So, here it is in a nutshell...we are packing up our entire house, and moving to a town in 8 days and we don't know where we are going to live yet!!! I know that God's timing is perfect, but I can't do a lot of things because we don't have an address. My mom and dad went to Olney yesterday to look at a house that was a complete bust. We are only renting until our house here sells. No one wants to rent on a monthly basis and no one wants to rent to you if you have a dog. I'm trying really hard not to freak out, but I'm not quite succeeding. Sigh. This seems to be my biggest issue right now. And because of that I feel like I'm questioning everything...was/is it really worth it, does anyone really care if we're closer???  That sort of stuff.  We're moving closer so that we can go home more often, but does anyone even care if we're home more often?  Like I would hate to have uprooted the boys yet again just to be closer when no one really cares if we're closer. I hate not fitting in and I'm terrified that we never will. I know that we aren't supposed to be comfortable here on this earth ...that this is not our home...still.

On top of all that, we are dealing with a new health issue with Chance and his hips. He had a CT scan on Thursday and we should hear something back by Monday afternoon. The issue could result in yet more surgery. So instead of having a little time to relax once we move to Olney, I'm likely going to be frantically contacting the Ortho at Cardinal Glennon so we can see what needs to be done. We also found out for sure that we shouldn't ever expect Chance to walk again. This just makes me want to cry and cry. I hate that it has come to this. The dr warned us ahead of time, but hearing him say the actual words at our last appointment was like a blow to my heart. Chance's purpose has not changed, God can, has and will continue to move in mighty ways in Chance's life. But when it's your baby and you look and see all that he will have to continue to endure and overcome...well, it's heart wrenching. I cannot wait to see him when we are in heaven and he gets his reward. He'll have a new body and will be running all over the place!! Oh what a day that will be! He is such a sweet boy with an awesome disposition. He loves the Lord and never questions why this has happened to him. I love him and I know that I am so blessed to have him in my life!! So while I'm freaking out, I am still sitting in the arms of God. I know that He will not fail us. And when I have moments when I question how it will all work out, I still know that it will. I am confident that He knows best. That His timing is perfect and that He loves and cares for this family more than any human could. When I feel alone or like I don't fit in, I can sit at the feet of the One who created me, and I know that even though I am flawed and I have issues that may never be resolved while I live on this earth, He loves me, cares for me and wants to be with me. And that is enough for me.

Oh Isaac!

It seems like I've been putting a lot on here about Chance lately and not really talking about Isaac. Isaac turned 9 in Feb, is going into 4th grade, has been on the honor roll since he began Kindergarten and has the gift of gab from his Grammy! He says some pretty funny stuff...so I thought I would put some Isaac-isms in here so you can get a glimpse of his personality!

"Mom, did you know they changed the date of Valentimes Day?" 

Me "No Isaac, it's always on Feb 14"

I "Well maybe that's how they did it when you were a kid, Mom but it's different now!"

He was 5..

When I was in Teen Challenge, the boys lived with my parents...this was one of their conversations...I think it was around Dad's bday and they were talking about age or something or other

Dad "Well you know Isaac, Grammy and I aren't going to live forever...we are going to die some day"

Isaac "Oh. Can I have your house when you die?"

Yet again, he was 5

Isaac " Dad, what's your favorite kind of cat?"

Geof "A dead one"

Isaac "Yeah that's cause you're allergic..."

When Isaac was 4, he walked up to my dad, said "I'm wise" then turned and walked away :)

One night Isaac was sick. We told him to go to bed and lay down. As he was leaving the room Geof said "We'll pray that you feel better in the morning" 

Isaac "Yeah that's how Jesus works...you go to bed sick and wake up feeling better"  Ah, the faith of a child! BTW, he did wake up better the next morning!

But my favorite of all time is when he was 4 years old, living with my parents while I was in Teen Challenge. On a phone call one night ( I got 2 a week) he sang me this song 

Sung to the tune of Where is Thumbkin

I love mom

I love mom

Mom I love

Mom I love

Mom I really love you

Mom I really love you

I love mom

I love mom

Isn't that the greatest?? I am so blessed by the boys...every day, I look at them and thank God for His goodness and blessings to me! I missed some important time with them and yet, they have not only recovered from it, but they are thriving! God is so good! I missed Isaac's 5th birthday and Chance's 8th birthday but I was so blessed that I have parents who were willing and able to take my children on while I tried to get my life better.

It isn't always easy being the sibling to a special needs brother, but Isaac handles it superbly. He has an eager attitude to help and is always smiling (his name means "laughter") I never planned to have him, but I could never imagine my life without him. He has frustrated me, consoled me and loved me constantly. I never regret going into Teen Challenge, even though I had to leave them for 9 long, long months. We never told the boys where I was, just that I had made bad choices and I was getting better. Somehow they knew though. Shortly after I got out of TC, Isaac was in my room rubbing my back and he says "I'm glad you went to live with those ladies, Mom, so you could let Jesus make you all better and you could be my Mom again"  Me too baby...me too!

Chance's big week

We have had such a big week this past week. Chance had an appt at his Ortho on Monday where he was given the ok to begin using his walker again! I was so much happier than Chance was! I am ready to return to a more normal routine...I'm pretty sure he was happy just the way things were!  Who wouldn't like to be waited on all the time? Once we got home, we got right to work with the walker...Chance was less than thrilled! 

It seems like just yesterday, he was born. I was so young and naive and he was so sick. But God knew how much I needed this boy and today I'm a better person because of him! He's taught me far more about life and the real world than any other person and I see God more clearly in every day life because of him.     

Music

If you know me at all, you know that I love music...especially singing. I can't really describe what music means to me except that I am passionate about it, cannot imagine life without it and I'm often brought to tears by songs. I just heard a song by Britt Nicole, a Christain artist, on the last episode of Biggest Loser and I have to say, it made me cry.  I've lived most of my life completely insecure and constantly wondering if I'll ever feel like I'm good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough...the list really does go on and on.  Living my life for Christ has given me a deeper purpose than just living for myself and my family and that has helped my insecurity, but I still struggle quite a bit. Hearing this song made me realize that the disciples, including Peter, who did walk on the water with Jesus, were just normal men. Men who struggled too...with their own sin, their own insecurities. Maybe they had low self esteem too. Maybe they felt alone and friendless sometimes too. Maybe they kicked themselves for something they said that they regretted. We all do and we're all human, so surely I'm not the only one who feels this way. Maybe I struggle more than some, not as much as others. I don't know. But this I do know...one day we will all stand before God and He will show us our lives, the path He had for us and the path that we chose. I know that I will be accountable for the things that I thought, said and did. Things that I'm not proud of, things that I am proud of and everything in between. I learned some lessons the easy way and some lessons the very hardest way possible, but I still learned the lesson and I think that's important. Life is a journey...every thing that we go through is an opportunity to grow. If we allow ourselves to be shaped and stretched in difficult circumstances, we might find that we look less and less like ourselves and more and more like Jesus and He's the most beautiful person I know! 

Aimless meanderings

I got my hair cut off yesterday. It took me a little while to get used to it, but I'm thinking I like it now. It's pretty short. Like, if I didn't have big boobs, I would look like a 12 year old boy, short! All the guys in my life like it too :)

I babysit a couple kids here 4 days a week. Chance slept in this morning and I got a text from one mom saying her boy wasn't coming today. So it was just me and Karston this morning and I really had a fun time with him. He just turned a year and he's starting to say a few things. He calls me "GG" and I love that! He's all over the place and crawls around after me. Currently he is playing with blocks on my legs. In less than 2 weeks, I won't be babysitting anymore and I have to say, I'm really going to miss having him here. I'll still see him at church and out and about since his parents are really good friends of ours, but I know it'll be different and it makes me a little sad :(  

It's been 5 weeks since Chance's back surgery and to be honest, I'll just be really glad when things return to "normal" He's unable to do anything for himself, so it's like having a 45 pound baby to care for. I know that God has given me the strength to continue on, but at times, I just feel completely drained. He goes back to the Orthopaedic Dr on Monday and we shall see where we go from there. He may have to go into a rehab facility or back into the hospital to get hard core physical therapy for a little while, but I'm really hoping against this. Chance and Isaac are supposed to go to Illinois and Kentucky to visit my parents and their dad and I worry that He won't get to go. I don't want him to miss out on any more than he already has. It breaks my heart to see him sad and know there is little that I can do to make it better. Every mother knows this feeling and can relate, I'm sure...but I feel like I have to tell him "no" more than "yes" and that makes me feel horrible. Explaining that there are just some things that he is unable to do is hard and I feel like disappointment has to be a common feeling for him and that's just so hard! Still, he is such a happy kid and rarely stays down for long. He's so inspirational. He's starting to grow up and mature in so many ways and I'll readily admit that the thought of him going into middle school next year terrifies me! I wonder if I'll survive...

Maybe not such a bad bad hair day!

OK, so after getting some sleep last night, I awoke to realize that I may have been *shock* a bit over dramatic about the "pink" hair...yes, yes I know. In daylight, it really doesn't look that bad. So I'll give it a day or two and see how I feel about it. But I've already gotten several compliments on it...from the lady at the local gas station, from Chance's teacher....Isaac said he likes my hair painted red. This afternoon I'm getting it cut and I'll decide after that if there's anything else that needs to be done with it. Oh, hair drama is the worst!

Bad bad hair day

Ok, so my friend Atanya and I decided to dye my hair tonight...well, I decided she should dye my hair tonight and she went along with it. So we go to Walmart(the only place in this podunk town) and we pick out a deep red color. I've been red before...recently actually and wasn't thinking I would go this color again, especially so soon, but Geof liked it so I aim to please. We apply the first color and both like it a lot. Then we do the highlights and we both are like "hmmm" maybe not digging it so much now...so I decide to redo the top part that has the highlights with the first color. I just washed it out of my hair and the top of my head is pink. There is a reason why I always had my sister in law Kelly do my hair and this is why! Well, it's 12:34 in the morning and I'm not about to go back to walmart again tonight, so I guess I'm just gonna be pink for a little while at least. I've learned a lesson.

New at this...

So my sis in law started one of these a little while ago, and while I don't know that I have a whole lot to say that anyone in particular wants to hear, I do think a lot and maybe having somewhere to put it down, would help. I don't even know where to go with this...so I'll start with my family.

Chance is my oldest son. He just turned 12 and has been a huge blessing to me. He was born with several health problems, but has never let that stop him from trying things and usually he succeeds, maybe just not in the way you do. He is the strongest person I have ever met and I know that God has a special purpose for his life :)

Isaac just turned 9 and boy does he have a lot to say. His name means "laughter" and he has lived up to it every day of his young life. He is a joy to be around, says some of the funniest things and looks identical to me...except he's a boy. He has the most laid back personality and there isn't much that bothers him. It isn't easy being the sibling to someone who has special needs, but Isaac does so good with it. He is such a good boy, but I have a feeling he will give us a run for our money before it's all said and done! I know that God has a special purpose for his life.

Geof is the man of God that I always prayed for, but didn't ever think I would find :) I never knew love could feel like this, but I also never put God in the middle of a relationship either. He makes the difference, you know? We've been married for almost 3 years and live in Ottawa, KS...currently. We are praying that God will transfer Geof to a different facility in Illinois so that we can be closer to our families. We miss them and we don't like that the boys are missing out on seeing their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We would still be a couple hours away, but closer than we are now. So that's a little background for ya...hopefully you're no too bored :)