Reflections

I was getting Chance's wheelchair out of the trunk of the car the other day and it got stuck. And without thinking, I said out loud my thoughts, "Having a handicapped child sucks" I couldn't take it back, it was out there for all to hear. Fortunately for me, it was only my Mom within earshot. Still, I've thought a lot about those words in the last few days since I've said them. I'm sure I've thought them before...it's only natural, yet to this day I can't remember ever having said them out loud. So why did I do it that day? There are a ton of reasons actually. Geof's grandmother had just passed away the day before, I was sorry and sad about it. I hadn't seen the boys very much so I took them shopping but it was a longer day than I had expected it to be and I was tired and stressed. Since Chance's surgery, he has to be carried everywhere or lifted into his chair and my back was aching from doing it so much...the list really did and still does go on and on. But I have never voiced my complaint against having a child who has special needs. And I will never do it again. It made me feel horrible. I love Chance with all my heart. I wouldn't trade him or "fix" him even if I were given the option to do so. He has made my life richer, made me love deeper and made me stronger than I thought I could be. Not just in my body, but in my mind and in my heart. His handicap is a part of me. It has helped shape me into the person I am today. I fight for him. With teachers, with doctors and with other people. He looks differently than you and I, he has Asperger's and it gives him a few "quirks" that may have others staring and wondering what the heck he's doing. He gets lost in his own world and sometimes, he just doesn't care about what is going on around him. I never feel sorry for him, but I feel bad when he feels bad and sometimes I cry when he has had a rough day or I feel overwhelmed.  I try my hardest to treat him as normal as possible.  To teach him that just because he has special needs, he has to learn that the world won't bend to help him out. He has to be strong and tough and I know that I've succeeded in this. I often feel like I take advantage of Isaac and his eagerness to help me out. He is a blessing to me and I'm sure I don't tell him how much I appreciate him. I feel like he doesn't always get the attention he deserves and I'm so sorry for that. I love him so very much. He is a part of me...he is my mini me. Life is better because he is in the world...not just the world, my world.

I'm writing all of this because I feel like we don't always thank God for the things in our lives that we ought to. Life is tough, but rest assured that it is tougher on some than others. Remember as you lay your head on your nice warm pillow tonight to thank God for the good things that you have. Someone tonight is struggling with the loss of a loved one, remember to thank God for those in your life. When your child gets out of the car on their own, without relying on you to carry them, thank God for that. When you are able to go out to eat or don't have to go to bed hungry, thank God for the money and provisions that He has provided. There is always something to be grateful for, if you only open your eyes to see them. Start with the big things and watch how quickly the little things add up. Kiss your children every night. Tell your kids, spouses, parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters...anyone that you have in your life, that you appreciate them and that you love them.  I am blessed beyond measure. My cup runneth over. Blessed be the name of the Lord.