This blog is going to be raw...I feel I must warn you. I write this, not for you, but for me. I find therapy is writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions and quite frankly, I'm a mess right now. Watching my son's health deteriorate over the past few weeks has been torture. I kept telling myself that the Cardiologist would know what to do and now that I know that he doesn't, it makes my heart ache more than it ever has before. To know Chance, you know his spirit. You can't spend more than a few minutes in his presence without KNOWING that his very life means something special. He is the very essence of special. His heart is specially made, his body is specially shaped and his spirit is exceptional. Seeing him lie around, listless and disinterested in almost everything is a new experience and not one that I care to endure for much longer. Taking afternoon naps and still waking up tired, constantly complaining that his heart feels funny, flutters, speeds up and generally doesn't feel well, is hard for me to handle. It makes me sad to know he doesn't feel well and I can't fix it. When your child is sick, you feel sick. We have run ourselves ragged these past few weeks and we were told today that this just might be the new "norm" for him. Do you know how much this sucks?!? Unless you have a child who is chronically ill, you cannot possibly fathom how much this sucks. I want to take it from him. I want to hold him and take every ounce of pain away from his poor battered, broken body and I can't. Sitting in hospital rooms watching the monitors so hard that you have severe eye strain but not being able to stop looking at it because you're afraid something might go wrong...my gosh! It sucks so bad! I am beaten. I have never truly felt like giving in until now. But if I give in, what kind of example am I? Always trying to be the strong one so you don't fall apart is hard. I'm even afraid of the ramifications of voicing my frustrations...but I'm tired and worn out and I want to scream and wail and TAKE AWAY MY SON'S PAIN!!! That's what I want. At this very moment, that is all I want. I used to do drugs so I could escape these moments. Feeling the pain is so hard. But God felt this way once too. When his son was beaten and alone. And I know that I'm not alone. I'm never alone. I just wish I had a glimpse into the future. Will he be alive in 7 years? Will he have a transplant? Will they figure out what's going on? I don't know the answer to any of these questions.
Having faith that no matter what the future holds, I am secure in the knowledge that God is in control. God and only God. I gave my boys to Him and it would be unfair, unjust and just plain stupid on my part to try to take them back now. I don't have drugs to dull the ache but I have Jesus and He will always be enough. Always. So, here I am...in all my rawness. And I know this might seem a little melodramatic, considering, but I can't help voicing my fears. It's okay to have fear but I will not be controlled by it. God has never let me down and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that He has a plan and a purpose in all of this. Trusting is the hardest when it's the most that's on the line. But if I didn't trust Him with my most valued possessions, I wouldn't be trusting Him at all.
'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make all your paths straight.' Proverbs 3:5-6
In the end, that's really what faith boils down to. I have faith that no matter what the outcome is, we are held in the loving arms of God and though I may get frustrated and want to quit sometimes, I won't. Because God never quit on me. And He knows and loves my Chance. His name is Chance because I thought he deserved one.
