Go back to school, already!!

I love my kids.

I do.

I promise.

But there may be times in this blog where you might question that love so I felt like maybe I needed to be up front. I do love my kids but thank You, Jesus that they got out of my house today and went back to school. Trying to watch 3 small children in my home while my own 2 big children are home at the same time was not only trying, it was downright ugly at times. Chance, gosh I love him, but he's autistic. And becoming very aware of his age and that he's getting older and getting older means certain things. To him, it means getting married and having babies. Here's another thing you probably don't know about Chance(and you may wish you never did!) He doesn't understand that there are something's Mom just doesn't want to hear about. I'll leave it at that. 

So, one of the kiddo's is a baby...4 months old and cuuuuute! Chance is kinda addicted to him. He wants to hold the baby, feed the baby, stare at the baby. Oh.my.gosh. Remember, he's autistic. He became a broken record over the holiday break. Ugh. The baby led to questions about babies and marriage and all that jazz. Thankfully, he didn't ask about the logistics of making a baby (I'm sure he "knows" but doesn't really know. Make sense?) Anyways. Trying to keep them quiet while the little kids took a nap, trying to keep them from bickering and arguing...you get where I'm coming from, I'm sure. 

Add to that the boy's bio dad decided to try and re-enter the pic. These poor kids have literally been strung along by him and his side of the family and it makes my blood boil anytime I think about them. I'm bitter though. From the time I went into Teen Challenge, they've not had a steady or solid relationship with their dad. He's in trouble, then he's out of trouble, he's using drugs and then he's clean, and all the while, he would call or try to see them just enough to keep that hope in them that he actually wanted to be a part of their lives. And his mom and dad aren't any better. 2 years ago, I cut off contact with them because he was in trouble again and I had had enough. 2 years! And in those 2 years, he tried to contact them once. ONCE!!!! I just have no nice things to say about him but when he pulls on the heartstrings of MY BOYS, I feel like some beast inside me has been unleashed and I want to kill him with my bare hands. 

Thank God for Geof. He is the Man. Period. He took over where Chris backed out and the boys are forever changed because he stepped up to the plate. He has shown them how real men behave toward their wife and children. He has taught them that not all dads leave. He has loved them from the very beginning as if they were his own flesh and blood. I know that there are many people who grow up in bad homes. With parents and especially fathers who didn't show them the love and care that they needed and deserved. I didn't grow up in a family like that. My dad was around and involved in my life. I can't imagine only hearing from him once in a couple of years and him being ok with that. Why is their dad ok with that?!??? He clearly doesn't understand how great his kids are. I'm sorry for him. One day, he will wake up and realize that he blew it and it'll be too late. It already is too late for Isaac. He wants to be adopted by Geof. We're trying to make that happen. Either way, we know who he belongs to. I'm thankful that they know they have a Heavenly Father who loves them more than they could ever think, dream or imagine!! I'm thankful for a God like that! 

So that was our Christmas break...along with lots of other good and sometimes frustrating times thrown in there too! I do love my kids but yay for them going back to school!! Thank you teachers!! I am one parent who appreciates you and the job that you do!!! 

Life. Death. Hope.

Life isn't fair.

I have friends on FB that have lost a baby or a child. It hurts me. I know some of them personally and some only through FB. I feel their struggle. Not quite personally yet, but in a second hand way. Some of their babies were born healthy and something tragic happened to them. They got cancer, died in a car accident, died some other tragic way. Some of their babies were born sick, like my Chance and their little bodies couldn't handle their illness any longer. Tragic. Doesn't it seem like we use this word way too casually? But losing a child truly is tragic. In every sense of the word.
We have known for a long time that Chance would probably not live a long life. Drs said 19-20 years. Now I do know that drs love to give the worst case scenario so that we don't go through life with rose tinted glasses on. But do you know what knowing that info does to a mom? Every year that he celebrates a birthday, I'm happy and crushed all at the same time. He is 16 now. That means, according to drs, he very well may be gone in 3 years. 3 YEARS. Some days, especially if I need to cry, I think about what life will be like without him. And then once I start thinking like that, I can't stop crying. Today, I heard about a family whose child was struck by a car and killed. How awful. How tragic. Do we understand the meaning of that word now?!? To watch your healthy baby die in a horrific way? That is tragic. To watch your baby or child suffer? That is tragic.

Life isn't fair.

If it were, then good people would never die young. Children wouldn't suffer with illnesses that have no cure or fix. They wouldn't have their life snuffed out before it ever even began. My son shouldn't have to live a life of constant pain and suffering and surgery after surgery.

No. Life is not fair.

But it's still beautiful.   


I have hope. My hope lies in my faith. I understand that God is a powerful God. A God who loves my son so much more than I ever could. And sometimes, His plan contains painful paths that we must walk. I have heard over and over again "God gives special babies to special mommies." That's a bunch of  bologna. I'm not special. But in having my son, I became special. You see? I would never have traveled this path if it weren't for Chance. I wouldn't be the mom that I am if it weren't for Chance. I wouldn't be the person that I am without having known him, and loved him, and worked tirelessly for him, and had my heart broken a million times over for him. He makes me special because he is so special. He is truly one of a kind. And I'm better because of him. I appreciate my time with my family. My boys are growing up fast and I'm helpless to stop it. But knowing what I know about our future and the future of my son, maybe sooner, maybe later, but always in God's timing, is this: there isn't a day that goes by that my kids ever have to wonder about my love for them. I tell them everyday, several times a day. Because some day, it will be too late and I would be devastated if I thought they didn't know that I loved them more than there are stars in the sky, more than there are grains of sand and most definitely more than my own life. That would be tragic. Hold on to your babies tonight. Hug them and kiss them. Put your phone away and listen to them.
Love them.
And make sure they know just how much.

    

What happened to my baby?!?

It seems like it was just yesterday that I brought Isaac into this world. While in fact it was 12 years ago. Wow. That time flew by!! There are moments when I think about MY plans...and then I just have to smile because God's plan always prevails! Had everything happened according to my plans, Isaac would never have been here...

The year was 2000. Chris' dad passed away in May. It was a rough time in our marriage. Life is hard for many couples but I think Chris and I often made life harder for each other than necessary. For one, we were both recovering drug addicts. It's hard to work your own program; i.e. going to AA meetings, meeting with your sponsor, working the steps to get better. Chris and I relentlessly tried to work each other's programs. Didn't usually work out very well for either of us. We had Chance, he turned 2 that year and was still having several surgeries a year. I had had two miscarriages. One before Chance and one after Chance. After much discussion, weighing in how very sick I was during my pregnancy with Chance and how ill he was because of my diabetes, we decided that the best choice for our family was for me to have my tubes tied.  This was a hard decision. I was young...22 to be exact and I wasn't really sure that I wanted to give up the idea of another baby. But honestly, we repeatedly asked ourselves "Can we do this again? Can we risk having another baby with so many health needs? What if this one is perfectly healthy? Will they get the attention they need to thrive and grow up secure?" Finally, we thought it was better to not risk it at all. We made the appt to get my tubal done. I was on Depo Provera (the injection birth control) and lapsed by a couple weeks. When I went to get another shot, I was literally WEEKS away from my tubal appt. I took a pregnancy test as required to get the shot and was dismayed to find out I was indeed preggo! I wept! What was I going to do?!? I didn't feel like I could go through another miscarriage. But God made a way! My diabetes was in excellent control, thanks to the recent start of an insulin pump!  I was in the best control of my life. Uncontrolled diabetes wreaks havoc on developing babies. The sugar gets passed through the umbilical cord, causing big babies but it also causes major damage to tiny organs that are trying to develop. My pregnancy progressed and we got passed the first trimester! We began to believe this one would stick! I was terrified during the ultrasounds...at 5 months they saw Chance's heart defect on sonogram. At 5 months, they found out Isaac had a kidney deformity. Something called Hydronephrosis. He had 2 collecting tubes coming from one kidney and they were both too large. I can remember how much I cried...no matter how hard I tried, I could not make a healthy baby. What a hard pill to swallow. Both my babies would be sick and have to go through surgeries and it was all my fault. These are hard feelings for a recovering drug addict. We like to numb those feelings and I couldn't. On Valentine's Day 2001, Chris, Chance and I got Chinese food. I then got a horrible case of food poisoning. The next day, the dr says "Better come in and get some fluids." So my mom came and picked up me and Chance, since Chris was working. Halfway over Poplar street bridge, my contractions began. They couldn't be stopped, no matter how many drugs they tried. I received 2 doses of steroids to get his lungs mature enough for the inevitable birth. After my lungs began filling with fluid from the magnesium, they said "Looks like you're having a baby today!" Isaac Andrew Cooper was born on February 16th at 4:58pm. He weighed 5lbs 11oz. and he was 18 inches long.

 He was born almost 10 weeks early. He did great! He stayed in the Special Care Nursery for almost 3 1/2 weeks but he wasn't intubabted and was only there to grow and learn how to eat like a big baby should! The day he came home was such a glorious day!! He was so tiny!  I am amazed at how God made our hearts! You never think you can love another baby as much as you do your first...and then when that baby is born, voila! It's like magic! Your heart just automatically grows to scoop them up into it and you DO love them just as much!  Isaac was so unlike any other baby!

He was little but he was such a fighter! He took Amoxicillan every day, 2 times a day, to prevent kidney and bladder infections until he was old enough to have his kidney repair done at 19 months. His name means laughter and he lives up to that name! He is smiley and happy go lucky but my gosh was he the most mischievous boy! Oh, the stories I could tell! Chris' mom used to say "Be thankful he wasn't twins!!" For all the mischief, he sure turned into a beautiful young man with a heart that wants to please, not just us but most importantly, Jesus. That boy LOVES Jesus!! And THAT'S the most important thing to me!

 I will share my favorite Isaac moment with you before I sign out. Right after I came home from Teen Challenge, I was laying in bed with Isaac, who was 5 at the time. He was rubbing my back and I could hear those little wheels a turning. Quietly he whispers "I'm glad you went to live with those ladies, Mom, so you could let Jesus make you all better and you could be my Mom again."  Me too Baby...me too. And I'm so glad that God's plans are different from MY plans. Happy 12th Birthday, my sweet, beautiful boy!

Trusting in the Lord. Always.

This blog is going to be raw...I feel I must warn you. I write this, not for you, but for me. I find therapy is writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions and quite frankly, I'm a mess right now. Watching my son's health deteriorate over the past few weeks has been torture. I kept telling myself that the Cardiologist would know what to do and now that I know that he doesn't, it makes my heart ache more than it ever has before. To know Chance, you know his spirit. You can't spend more than a few minutes in his presence without KNOWING that his very life means something special. He is the very essence of special. His heart is specially made, his body is specially shaped and his spirit is exceptional. Seeing him lie around, listless and disinterested in almost everything is a new experience and not one that I care to endure for much longer. Taking afternoon naps and still waking up tired, constantly complaining that his heart feels funny, flutters, speeds up and generally doesn't feel well, is hard for me to handle. It makes me sad to know he doesn't feel well and I can't fix it. When your child is sick, you feel sick. We have run ourselves ragged these past few weeks and we were told today that this just might be the new "norm" for him. Do you know how much this sucks?!? Unless you have a child who is chronically ill, you cannot possibly fathom how much this sucks. I want to take it from him. I want to hold him and take every ounce of pain away from his poor battered, broken body and I can't. Sitting in hospital rooms watching the monitors so hard that you have severe eye strain but not being able to stop looking at it because you're afraid something might go wrong...my gosh! It sucks so bad! I am beaten. I have never truly felt like giving in until now. But if I give in, what kind of example am I? Always trying to be the strong one so you don't fall apart is hard. I'm even afraid of the ramifications of voicing my frustrations...but I'm tired and worn out and I want to scream and wail and TAKE AWAY MY SON'S PAIN!!! That's what I want. At this very moment, that is all I want. I used to do drugs so I could escape these moments. Feeling the pain is so hard. But God felt this way once too. When his son was beaten and alone. And I know that I'm not alone. I'm never alone. I just wish I had a glimpse into the future. Will he be alive in 7 years? Will he have a transplant? Will they figure out what's going on? I don't know the answer to any of these questions.

Having faith that no matter what the future holds, I am secure in the knowledge that God is in control. God and only God. I gave my boys to Him and it would be unfair, unjust and just plain stupid on my part to try to take them back now. I don't have drugs to dull the ache but I have Jesus and He will always be enough. Always.  So, here I am...in all my rawness. And I know this might seem a little melodramatic, considering, but I can't help voicing my fears. It's okay to have fear but I will not be controlled by it. God has never let me down and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that He has a plan and a purpose in all of this. Trusting is the hardest when it's the most that's on the line. But if I didn't trust Him with my most valued possessions, I wouldn't be trusting Him at all.

'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make all your paths straight.' Proverbs 3:5-6

In the end, that's really what faith boils down to. I have faith that no matter what the outcome is, we are held in the loving arms of God and though I may get frustrated and want to quit sometimes, I won't. Because God never quit on me. And He knows and loves my Chance. His name is Chance because I thought he deserved one.

It's Christmas again

I remember as I child, always hearing about how time just flew by and the older you got, the faster it went. I couldn't fathom this concept. I mean, it seemed like I had to wait a LIFETIME from Christmas until my birthday. Which is in February. How on earth could adults say time flew by? And yet, here I am...33 years old and it seems like every year goes by faster and faster. And I'd like it to slow down a little bit please! I'll put it into perspective...13 1/2 years ago I gave birth to Chance.

Beautiful, beautiful Chance. Who was and still is a miracle. If I had gone through with the doctors orders to abort him, I would never know his contagious laugh. His amazing spirit. His gorgeous smile. I wouldn't know what it would be like to be loved so unconditionally nor would I know how to return that love. He has taught me so many lessons in his little life. Lessons like Always forgive, no matter how badly you are hurt. Lessons like even though life isn't always fair, love it and live it to the fullest anyways. Lessons like no matter how much life piles on you, never, never, never give up! Lessons that go so far beyond his 13 years.   Lessons like never even acknowledging when people stare and whisper about him. He's taught me a lot about dignity, about mercy and certainly about class.  Every day, I look at him and think "You are my hero!"  He has been through more surgeries than most people will go through in their entire life, he has never known a day in his life that he wasn't hurting from something, he has enough metal inside him to set off metal detectors from here to Timbuktu and every morning he wakes up with a smile on his face. After awhile...

 He's a bear when he first wakes up!  I never want to see him hurting. It breaks my heart when he's in pain. But I KNOW that in every thing, God has a plan. I am such a better person for having him in my life! I thank God for him daily! And when he was recently asked how he felt about not being "normal" he said and I quote "Eh, normal is boring" Yes. I am so proud to be his Mom!

It was 10 years ago that I had Isaac. The baby I never dreamed I would have, for I was 3 weeks away from having my tubes tied when I found out I was pregnant with him. He grew inside me,  but not long enough. Born at 30 weeks and 6 days, he did amazingly well for being such a preemie. He stayed in the Special care nursery for 3 weeks or so and then he came home! He was home for 9 days and got RSV which nearly killed him. He was in the PICU at Children's hospital in St. Louis for 1 month 3 days. He was intubated almost the entire time. They kept him sedated and quiet. I firmly believe he felt he needed to make up for that month and has been a mover and shaker ever since. He's kept me on my toes doing things like climbing every dresser I owned, cutting his and Chance's hair and every telephone line in the house within 2 minutes and pushing a 27 inch t.v. off the dresser when he was 18 months old. I'm surprised he's made it as long as he has!

As he grew, we had different challenges with him. He was diagnosed with ADHD and then OCD. Despite these challenges, he surpasses my intelligence on a daily basis. He loves Jesus and it shows. He is the kindest,  most caring, sweetest, helping boy I have ever met. No, I didn't plan on having him, but my life would be so empty without him! He wants to be an Architectural Engineer when he grows up. I can't believe he will be 11 in just a few short months. He's growing like a weed and gets straight A's on his report card. He offers me back rubs, in which he talks a mile a minute the entire time he's giving it! He says some of the funniest things and he loves fully and completely. It isn't easy having a brother who requires so much attention,  but Isaac never complains and helps Chance out with so much...our life would be incomplete without him. He laughs and acts goofy and every day he makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me so thankful that God had a plan all along for him being my son.


I could go on and on and maybe I'll continue in another one soon just how quickly time is flying. This Christmas season, remember the important things: God, wanting to bridge the gap for us sinners, sent His son Jesus, a babe in a manger, to live and love and to become the Ultimate sacrifice for us all. A race of humans so undeserving of that love but being offered it anyways! Jesus is the reason for every season! Remember to thank God for the blessings you have, for there are many who go without a lot and Christmas will be just another day for some. Forget the stress of this time of year and remember that life will go by quickly. One day, you'll be 20, then in what will feel like a blink of an eye, you will be 80. And one day, we will all stand before God and give an account of our lives. Make yours count! Merry Christmas to you all!!

Ramblings

I feel like a lot of times I only get on here to write something when I'm really stressed out. Today is no different. I've been wound up lately and uptight. To say we've had a lot on our plates this Summer would surely be an understatement. But honestly, I  don't like using that as an excuse but I still do. I've allowed myself to fall back into my "worldy" thinking. You know...feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for what we are going through, feeling alone, unpopular, unattractive. Then, little by little, all my old "stinkin' thinkin'" comes back. I've been sick lately which has left me home more and laying around more than usual. This is not a good time or place to analize your life. I don't know if anyone else does this, but almost always after I leave a conversation with someone...doesn't really matter who it is, I critique what I said. I've never been overly popular. I'm kinda loud, I talk A LOT, I'm somewhat obnoxious and I'm always regretting what I say.  I usually leave a social setting thinking "I completely dominated that conversation." Or I stick my foot in my mouth by saying something that I later regret. I once asked Geof if I would be held accountable for hating myself. He didn't know the answer but I'm sure I will. And, honestly, I hate that about myself. I hate that I'm never comfortable in my own skin. In the Bible, it says that man looks on the outward appearance but God see's our heart. Scary. Because sometimes, I think my heart is just as ugly as the rest of me. I love the Lord. I want to serve Him and worship Him. I want to love others the way that He loves me. And that's hard. Because we're human and we get our feelings hurt or we hurt someone else's feelings. We say things we don't mean and constantly judge others. So here I am, called to love everyone the way that Jesus loves us and I can't get past the loving myself part. I know that God's grace goes deep but I still get a little nervous when I think about standing before Him and having every thought, every action revealed. Does anyone else feel like that? I truly hope that I'm not alone in this thought process.

So back to where I was origionally going with this post... There is a billboard on the highway that we have to pass everytime we come home from the hospital with Chance. It's a picture of Jesus...but not an overly pretty picture. You know what I mean? Everyone usually portrays Jesus as beautiful. With shining eyes and a pretty smile. Hair that is just so...but the Bible says that Jesus had no outward beauty. This billboard reminded me of that scripture. As we recently passed it, I was just drawn to this picture. Before I knew it, I was crying. As I was crying, I asked Jesus "Did you ever get lonely? Did you hate the way that you looked too? Did you feel unpopular and unwanted? Did you feel unlovable?" Then the sweetest Spirit spoke to my heart. He said "My child, how could I feel those things when I knew Who created me? If you realize for Whom you were created, you will stop trying to compare yourself to others and begin praising Him for the person  He created you to be. Fill your life and your heart with what God has to say about you and you will begin to see yourself the way that He sees you. " Wow. Talk about humbling.  Funny how this is not new to me and yet it came in a way that made me feel like it was the first time I had ever heard it. I often pray that God will help me love others the way that He loves them. Why didn't it ever occur to me to pray that I would love myself the way that He loves me? Of this, I do not know. But I feel refreshed. Renewed. Redeemed all over again. Satan longs to make my mind a battlefield. Filled with discpicable thoughts about myself. But there is healing in the name of Jesus. There is power in our words. Not only the one's spoken out loud but the one's thought as well. I'm standing up now. I'm searching deep into what God says about me and letting satan know that he only has the power over me that I allow him to have and today I choose to break the chains of insercurity. I choose to break the chains of despair. I choose to break the chains of lonliness, fear and self hatred. Today, satan loses this battle. I have to remember that every day is a new day to fight. I will suit up and prepare to fight the good fight. Game on!

Out running your past

I've been off kilter for several weeks now. I've been sick and that's been tiring, but it's more than illness. I've had a heaviness on my spirit for a long time that I haven't been acknowledging. I have thoughts that pop into my head about my inadequecies, thoughts about how I could never live up to other people in my life and even jealous thoughts about how I'll never be as good as others. Being insecure is horrible. Never accepting how you are as a person is a terrible way to live. When we went home a few weeks ago, every night that we were in Granite, I had nightmares about using again. The first night, I was like "Huh. That was interesting." but the more it happened, the more I was thinking about it during the day and here I am, having been home 2 weeks and it is still very prevalent in my daily thoughts. Never under estimate the power that satan can have on your life. He gets into your head and like a tape recorder, plays the same thought over and over and over again. It took me awhile to sort it out and figure out that these thoughts that I've been concentrating on lately are what's making me feel bad.

You're probably thinking, "Wow, Ang! Took you that long to figure it out?" Yep, it did. I think it took me that long because sometimes, we don't want to let go of something yet. Whether it's a thought process or a bad habit...sometimes we just hang onto it, taking comfort in the fact that it's ours and maybe feeling a little sorry for ourselves. That's me. I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately and thoughts like that, coupled with the dreams that I've been having, have put me in a not so great spot. I know where this thought process leads. And had I known where to find drugs in this town, I may have been VERY tempted to use again. What a humbling thought. I have been clean and sober for 5 1/2 years, but I'm just a suseptible today as I was back then. I once said that I would never use again...And I won't as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus and remember that I can't do anything on my own strength, but God is the giver of strength when ours runs out. He loves me and He cares about what's going on in my life. He knows my every thought and He loves me anyways! I'm making mistakes every day but I'm making progress too. Sometimes, it feels like I take one step forward and two steps back, other days it's the other way around. I'm saying this for a couple reasons. 1. Don't think that your thoughts aren't important. The way we think leads us down different paths. If we think positively, we feel positive. If we think negatively...well, you get my point.  2. Never believe that you won't do a certain sin, ie, "I'll never have an affair or cheat on my spouse" Or "I'll never use drugs or drink again" These thoughts are dangerous in that we don't keep our guard up against these things since we believe we are infallible to them. Satan is waiting for you to let down your guard, then he pounces! Never believe you won't do something! Recognize that you are human and therefore, you are subject to any and every sin out there.  3. When you're struggling, don't lose your focus! God wants us to push in when we are struggling or having a rough time. Whether life is giving us a run for our money or our thoughts are spriraling out of control, God longs to be the One we run to for comfort and help. He understands our struggles. Loves us in spite of them and wants us to know that while humans are just that, human, He is God, Who loves us and cherishes us like no person ever could! He doesn't have human inadequecies and therefore won't hurt us the way other people tend to do. He' won't lie, cheat on us, be spiteful or seek revenge...He's everything good and pure that we search out here on Earth but never find because we don't seek out Him! We look everywhere, trying to be loved and accepted just as we are and all along He's whispering "I'm here. I love you. I cherish you. Come seek Me. Find the peace that only I can give you. You won't be satisfied in Earthly things, but I'll quench that hunger and thirst that you have for love and acceptance and I'll give you a passion like you've never had before!" He's waiting for us to run into His arms and give over our thoughts that bring us down, our sins that we haven't overcome yet, our daily struggles and our hurts. Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not receive it?"  Receive all the good things that He's offering!!!

I know my struggles with insecurity will probably last my whole life time on this earth, but there are things that I can do to help keep my focus off myself and on Him!  I may never feel like I'm good enough, pretty enough, nice enough or talented enough, but if I show other people that God loves us in spite of our flaws, then I think that's the legacy I'd like to leave.  So, I'll leave this with a cheesy saying that I'm sure everyone has heard before "The next time satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future!"  Isaiah 43:1b-3a "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Love Love Love this!!