Life isn't fair.
I have friends on FB that have lost a baby or a child. It hurts me. I know some of them personally and some only through FB. I feel their struggle. Not quite personally yet, but in a second hand way. Some of their babies were born healthy and something tragic happened to them. They got cancer, died in a car accident, died some other tragic way. Some of their babies were born sick, like my Chance and their little bodies couldn't handle their illness any longer. Tragic. Doesn't it seem like we use this word way too casually? But losing a child truly is tragic. In every sense of the word.
We have known for a long time that Chance would probably not live a long life. Drs said 19-20 years. Now I do know that drs love to give the worst case scenario so that we don't go through life with rose tinted glasses on. But do you know what knowing that info does to a mom? Every year that he celebrates a birthday, I'm happy and crushed all at the same time. He is 16 now. That means, according to drs, he very well may be gone in 3 years. 3 YEARS. Some days, especially if I need to cry, I think about what life will be like without him. And then once I start thinking like that, I can't stop crying. Today, I heard about a family whose child was struck by a car and killed. How awful. How tragic. Do we understand the meaning of that word now?!? To watch your healthy baby die in a horrific way? That is tragic. To watch your baby or child suffer? That is tragic.
Life isn't fair.
If it were, then good people would never die young. Children wouldn't suffer with illnesses that have no cure or fix. They wouldn't have their life snuffed out before it ever even began. My son shouldn't have to live a life of constant pain and suffering and surgery after surgery.
No. Life is not fair.
But it's still beautiful.
I have hope. My hope lies in my faith. I understand that God is a powerful God. A God who loves my son so much more than I ever could. And sometimes, His plan contains painful paths that we must walk. I have heard over and over again "God gives special babies to special mommies." That's a bunch of bologna. I'm not special. But in having my son, I became special. You see? I would never have traveled this path if it weren't for Chance. I wouldn't be the mom that I am if it weren't for Chance. I wouldn't be the person that I am without having known him, and loved him, and worked tirelessly for him, and had my heart broken a million times over for him. He makes me special because he is so special. He is truly one of a kind. And I'm better because of him. I appreciate my time with my family. My boys are growing up fast and I'm helpless to stop it. But knowing what I know about our future and the future of my son, maybe sooner, maybe later, but always in God's timing, is this: there isn't a day that goes by that my kids ever have to wonder about my love for them. I tell them everyday, several times a day. Because some day, it will be too late and I would be devastated if I thought they didn't know that I loved them more than there are stars in the sky, more than there are grains of sand and most definitely more than my own life. That would be tragic. Hold on to your babies tonight. Hug them and kiss them. Put your phone away and listen to them.
Love them.
And make sure they know just how much.
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