I feel like a lot of times I only get on here to write something when I'm really stressed out. Today is no different. I've been wound up lately and uptight. To say we've had a lot on our plates this Summer would surely be an understatement. But honestly, I don't like using that as an excuse but I still do. I've allowed myself to fall back into my "worldy" thinking. You know...feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for what we are going through, feeling alone, unpopular, unattractive. Then, little by little, all my old "stinkin' thinkin'" comes back. I've been sick lately which has left me home more and laying around more than usual. This is not a good time or place to analize your life. I don't know if anyone else does this, but almost always after I leave a conversation with someone...doesn't really matter who it is, I critique what I said. I've never been overly popular. I'm kinda loud, I talk A LOT, I'm somewhat obnoxious and I'm always regretting what I say. I usually leave a social setting thinking "I completely dominated that conversation." Or I stick my foot in my mouth by saying something that I later regret. I once asked Geof if I would be held accountable for hating myself. He didn't know the answer but I'm sure I will. And, honestly, I hate that about myself. I hate that I'm never comfortable in my own skin. In the Bible, it says that man looks on the outward appearance but God see's our heart. Scary. Because sometimes, I think my heart is just as ugly as the rest of me. I love the Lord. I want to serve Him and worship Him. I want to love others the way that He loves me. And that's hard. Because we're human and we get our feelings hurt or we hurt someone else's feelings. We say things we don't mean and constantly judge others. So here I am, called to love everyone the way that Jesus loves us and I can't get past the loving myself part. I know that God's grace goes deep but I still get a little nervous when I think about standing before Him and having every thought, every action revealed. Does anyone else feel like that? I truly hope that I'm not alone in this thought process.
So back to where I was origionally going with this post... There is a billboard on the highway that we have to pass everytime we come home from the hospital with Chance. It's a picture of Jesus...but not an overly pretty picture. You know what I mean? Everyone usually portrays Jesus as beautiful. With shining eyes and a pretty smile. Hair that is just so...but the Bible says that Jesus had no outward beauty. This billboard reminded me of that scripture. As we recently passed it, I was just drawn to this picture. Before I knew it, I was crying. As I was crying, I asked Jesus "Did you ever get lonely? Did you hate the way that you looked too? Did you feel unpopular and unwanted? Did you feel unlovable?" Then the sweetest Spirit spoke to my heart. He said "My child, how could I feel those things when I knew Who created me? If you realize for Whom you were created, you will stop trying to compare yourself to others and begin praising Him for the person He created you to be. Fill your life and your heart with what God has to say about you and you will begin to see yourself the way that He sees you. " Wow. Talk about humbling. Funny how this is not new to me and yet it came in a way that made me feel like it was the first time I had ever heard it. I often pray that God will help me love others the way that He loves them. Why didn't it ever occur to me to pray that I would love myself the way that He loves me? Of this, I do not know. But I feel refreshed. Renewed. Redeemed all over again. Satan longs to make my mind a battlefield. Filled with discpicable thoughts about myself. But there is healing in the name of Jesus. There is power in our words. Not only the one's spoken out loud but the one's thought as well. I'm standing up now. I'm searching deep into what God says about me and letting satan know that he only has the power over me that I allow him to have and today I choose to break the chains of insercurity. I choose to break the chains of despair. I choose to break the chains of lonliness, fear and self hatred. Today, satan loses this battle. I have to remember that every day is a new day to fight. I will suit up and prepare to fight the good fight. Game on!
