It's Christmas again

I remember as I child, always hearing about how time just flew by and the older you got, the faster it went. I couldn't fathom this concept. I mean, it seemed like I had to wait a LIFETIME from Christmas until my birthday. Which is in February. How on earth could adults say time flew by? And yet, here I am...33 years old and it seems like every year goes by faster and faster. And I'd like it to slow down a little bit please! I'll put it into perspective...13 1/2 years ago I gave birth to Chance.

Beautiful, beautiful Chance. Who was and still is a miracle. If I had gone through with the doctors orders to abort him, I would never know his contagious laugh. His amazing spirit. His gorgeous smile. I wouldn't know what it would be like to be loved so unconditionally nor would I know how to return that love. He has taught me so many lessons in his little life. Lessons like Always forgive, no matter how badly you are hurt. Lessons like even though life isn't always fair, love it and live it to the fullest anyways. Lessons like no matter how much life piles on you, never, never, never give up! Lessons that go so far beyond his 13 years.   Lessons like never even acknowledging when people stare and whisper about him. He's taught me a lot about dignity, about mercy and certainly about class.  Every day, I look at him and think "You are my hero!"  He has been through more surgeries than most people will go through in their entire life, he has never known a day in his life that he wasn't hurting from something, he has enough metal inside him to set off metal detectors from here to Timbuktu and every morning he wakes up with a smile on his face. After awhile...

 He's a bear when he first wakes up!  I never want to see him hurting. It breaks my heart when he's in pain. But I KNOW that in every thing, God has a plan. I am such a better person for having him in my life! I thank God for him daily! And when he was recently asked how he felt about not being "normal" he said and I quote "Eh, normal is boring" Yes. I am so proud to be his Mom!

It was 10 years ago that I had Isaac. The baby I never dreamed I would have, for I was 3 weeks away from having my tubes tied when I found out I was pregnant with him. He grew inside me,  but not long enough. Born at 30 weeks and 6 days, he did amazingly well for being such a preemie. He stayed in the Special care nursery for 3 weeks or so and then he came home! He was home for 9 days and got RSV which nearly killed him. He was in the PICU at Children's hospital in St. Louis for 1 month 3 days. He was intubated almost the entire time. They kept him sedated and quiet. I firmly believe he felt he needed to make up for that month and has been a mover and shaker ever since. He's kept me on my toes doing things like climbing every dresser I owned, cutting his and Chance's hair and every telephone line in the house within 2 minutes and pushing a 27 inch t.v. off the dresser when he was 18 months old. I'm surprised he's made it as long as he has!

As he grew, we had different challenges with him. He was diagnosed with ADHD and then OCD. Despite these challenges, he surpasses my intelligence on a daily basis. He loves Jesus and it shows. He is the kindest,  most caring, sweetest, helping boy I have ever met. No, I didn't plan on having him, but my life would be so empty without him! He wants to be an Architectural Engineer when he grows up. I can't believe he will be 11 in just a few short months. He's growing like a weed and gets straight A's on his report card. He offers me back rubs, in which he talks a mile a minute the entire time he's giving it! He says some of the funniest things and he loves fully and completely. It isn't easy having a brother who requires so much attention,  but Isaac never complains and helps Chance out with so much...our life would be incomplete without him. He laughs and acts goofy and every day he makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me so thankful that God had a plan all along for him being my son.


I could go on and on and maybe I'll continue in another one soon just how quickly time is flying. This Christmas season, remember the important things: God, wanting to bridge the gap for us sinners, sent His son Jesus, a babe in a manger, to live and love and to become the Ultimate sacrifice for us all. A race of humans so undeserving of that love but being offered it anyways! Jesus is the reason for every season! Remember to thank God for the blessings you have, for there are many who go without a lot and Christmas will be just another day for some. Forget the stress of this time of year and remember that life will go by quickly. One day, you'll be 20, then in what will feel like a blink of an eye, you will be 80. And one day, we will all stand before God and give an account of our lives. Make yours count! Merry Christmas to you all!!

Ramblings

I feel like a lot of times I only get on here to write something when I'm really stressed out. Today is no different. I've been wound up lately and uptight. To say we've had a lot on our plates this Summer would surely be an understatement. But honestly, I  don't like using that as an excuse but I still do. I've allowed myself to fall back into my "worldy" thinking. You know...feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for what we are going through, feeling alone, unpopular, unattractive. Then, little by little, all my old "stinkin' thinkin'" comes back. I've been sick lately which has left me home more and laying around more than usual. This is not a good time or place to analize your life. I don't know if anyone else does this, but almost always after I leave a conversation with someone...doesn't really matter who it is, I critique what I said. I've never been overly popular. I'm kinda loud, I talk A LOT, I'm somewhat obnoxious and I'm always regretting what I say.  I usually leave a social setting thinking "I completely dominated that conversation." Or I stick my foot in my mouth by saying something that I later regret. I once asked Geof if I would be held accountable for hating myself. He didn't know the answer but I'm sure I will. And, honestly, I hate that about myself. I hate that I'm never comfortable in my own skin. In the Bible, it says that man looks on the outward appearance but God see's our heart. Scary. Because sometimes, I think my heart is just as ugly as the rest of me. I love the Lord. I want to serve Him and worship Him. I want to love others the way that He loves me. And that's hard. Because we're human and we get our feelings hurt or we hurt someone else's feelings. We say things we don't mean and constantly judge others. So here I am, called to love everyone the way that Jesus loves us and I can't get past the loving myself part. I know that God's grace goes deep but I still get a little nervous when I think about standing before Him and having every thought, every action revealed. Does anyone else feel like that? I truly hope that I'm not alone in this thought process.

So back to where I was origionally going with this post... There is a billboard on the highway that we have to pass everytime we come home from the hospital with Chance. It's a picture of Jesus...but not an overly pretty picture. You know what I mean? Everyone usually portrays Jesus as beautiful. With shining eyes and a pretty smile. Hair that is just so...but the Bible says that Jesus had no outward beauty. This billboard reminded me of that scripture. As we recently passed it, I was just drawn to this picture. Before I knew it, I was crying. As I was crying, I asked Jesus "Did you ever get lonely? Did you hate the way that you looked too? Did you feel unpopular and unwanted? Did you feel unlovable?" Then the sweetest Spirit spoke to my heart. He said "My child, how could I feel those things when I knew Who created me? If you realize for Whom you were created, you will stop trying to compare yourself to others and begin praising Him for the person  He created you to be. Fill your life and your heart with what God has to say about you and you will begin to see yourself the way that He sees you. " Wow. Talk about humbling.  Funny how this is not new to me and yet it came in a way that made me feel like it was the first time I had ever heard it. I often pray that God will help me love others the way that He loves them. Why didn't it ever occur to me to pray that I would love myself the way that He loves me? Of this, I do not know. But I feel refreshed. Renewed. Redeemed all over again. Satan longs to make my mind a battlefield. Filled with discpicable thoughts about myself. But there is healing in the name of Jesus. There is power in our words. Not only the one's spoken out loud but the one's thought as well. I'm standing up now. I'm searching deep into what God says about me and letting satan know that he only has the power over me that I allow him to have and today I choose to break the chains of insercurity. I choose to break the chains of despair. I choose to break the chains of lonliness, fear and self hatred. Today, satan loses this battle. I have to remember that every day is a new day to fight. I will suit up and prepare to fight the good fight. Game on!

Out running your past

I've been off kilter for several weeks now. I've been sick and that's been tiring, but it's more than illness. I've had a heaviness on my spirit for a long time that I haven't been acknowledging. I have thoughts that pop into my head about my inadequecies, thoughts about how I could never live up to other people in my life and even jealous thoughts about how I'll never be as good as others. Being insecure is horrible. Never accepting how you are as a person is a terrible way to live. When we went home a few weeks ago, every night that we were in Granite, I had nightmares about using again. The first night, I was like "Huh. That was interesting." but the more it happened, the more I was thinking about it during the day and here I am, having been home 2 weeks and it is still very prevalent in my daily thoughts. Never under estimate the power that satan can have on your life. He gets into your head and like a tape recorder, plays the same thought over and over and over again. It took me awhile to sort it out and figure out that these thoughts that I've been concentrating on lately are what's making me feel bad.

You're probably thinking, "Wow, Ang! Took you that long to figure it out?" Yep, it did. I think it took me that long because sometimes, we don't want to let go of something yet. Whether it's a thought process or a bad habit...sometimes we just hang onto it, taking comfort in the fact that it's ours and maybe feeling a little sorry for ourselves. That's me. I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately and thoughts like that, coupled with the dreams that I've been having, have put me in a not so great spot. I know where this thought process leads. And had I known where to find drugs in this town, I may have been VERY tempted to use again. What a humbling thought. I have been clean and sober for 5 1/2 years, but I'm just a suseptible today as I was back then. I once said that I would never use again...And I won't as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus and remember that I can't do anything on my own strength, but God is the giver of strength when ours runs out. He loves me and He cares about what's going on in my life. He knows my every thought and He loves me anyways! I'm making mistakes every day but I'm making progress too. Sometimes, it feels like I take one step forward and two steps back, other days it's the other way around. I'm saying this for a couple reasons. 1. Don't think that your thoughts aren't important. The way we think leads us down different paths. If we think positively, we feel positive. If we think negatively...well, you get my point.  2. Never believe that you won't do a certain sin, ie, "I'll never have an affair or cheat on my spouse" Or "I'll never use drugs or drink again" These thoughts are dangerous in that we don't keep our guard up against these things since we believe we are infallible to them. Satan is waiting for you to let down your guard, then he pounces! Never believe you won't do something! Recognize that you are human and therefore, you are subject to any and every sin out there.  3. When you're struggling, don't lose your focus! God wants us to push in when we are struggling or having a rough time. Whether life is giving us a run for our money or our thoughts are spriraling out of control, God longs to be the One we run to for comfort and help. He understands our struggles. Loves us in spite of them and wants us to know that while humans are just that, human, He is God, Who loves us and cherishes us like no person ever could! He doesn't have human inadequecies and therefore won't hurt us the way other people tend to do. He' won't lie, cheat on us, be spiteful or seek revenge...He's everything good and pure that we search out here on Earth but never find because we don't seek out Him! We look everywhere, trying to be loved and accepted just as we are and all along He's whispering "I'm here. I love you. I cherish you. Come seek Me. Find the peace that only I can give you. You won't be satisfied in Earthly things, but I'll quench that hunger and thirst that you have for love and acceptance and I'll give you a passion like you've never had before!" He's waiting for us to run into His arms and give over our thoughts that bring us down, our sins that we haven't overcome yet, our daily struggles and our hurts. Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not receive it?"  Receive all the good things that He's offering!!!

I know my struggles with insecurity will probably last my whole life time on this earth, but there are things that I can do to help keep my focus off myself and on Him!  I may never feel like I'm good enough, pretty enough, nice enough or talented enough, but if I show other people that God loves us in spite of our flaws, then I think that's the legacy I'd like to leave.  So, I'll leave this with a cheesy saying that I'm sure everyone has heard before "The next time satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future!"  Isaiah 43:1b-3a "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Love Love Love this!!